It sucks!
Life is starting to be a mega f*^%ed-up bitch! As the days draw closer, the pain gets more intense, reality starts to hit home. What can I do? Nothing! That's what makes it damn shit. How the hell am I supposed to get over this torment? Important events can't be celebrated with the person I love most, happy occassions can't be shared with him instantaneously either. 15 weeks + another 1 month of torment has already started to take its toll on me. It really sucks.
I try to be as positive as possible, but how much longer can this optimism last? How long more will it be before my strength crumbles? How long more will I be able to take this? I am strong by nature and believe that I can overcome every adversity. But why is this not the case when it comes to matters of the heart? Why does everything just fall apart so easily? How do you ever love someone till it hurts this bad? I don't want him to leave, even if it's only for 15 weeks. But there are better reasons as to why he should go.
I want what's to be expected at the end. I just don't want to endure the intermitten period. Who am I supposed to confide in or turn to for advice when I'm in doubt? Who am I supposed to run to when I need a hug? Who am I supposed to go to when I just want someone to be silly with me? Who am I supposed to hide behind when I get scared? Who am I supposed to go for comfort and warmth when things start getting cold? I just wish I can be put into a deep deep sleep and pray that all this was just a bad nightmare; and when I wake 4 months later, things would be much better than before. I don't want to feel this pain. I don't want to have to suffer and cry myself to sleep every night. Where possible, I'd rather avoid this.
But, at the same time, this is a rather selfish act; and unfair to him. I know I have to be there for him, support him in this, and most importantly, be strong for him. But how am I supposed to do this when I'm in this state? How am I to be strong when I am crumbling? How am I to be there for him when he needs me most when I need him during that same time? How am I supposed to support him when I'm still finding that strength to keep myself strong?
There are so many questions flooding me now. Uncertainty is starting to overwhelm me. I need reassurance. I need some consolation. I need somewhere to seek refuge during this long journey. I am not the confident person I wish I was in such situations. Most importantly, I need answers! I hate being left in the balance. I hate not knowing. I hate not being in control. I especially hate uncertainty. Bottomline: I hate my life right now!
I try to be as positive as possible, but how much longer can this optimism last? How long more will it be before my strength crumbles? How long more will I be able to take this? I am strong by nature and believe that I can overcome every adversity. But why is this not the case when it comes to matters of the heart? Why does everything just fall apart so easily? How do you ever love someone till it hurts this bad? I don't want him to leave, even if it's only for 15 weeks. But there are better reasons as to why he should go.
I want what's to be expected at the end. I just don't want to endure the intermitten period. Who am I supposed to confide in or turn to for advice when I'm in doubt? Who am I supposed to run to when I need a hug? Who am I supposed to go to when I just want someone to be silly with me? Who am I supposed to hide behind when I get scared? Who am I supposed to go for comfort and warmth when things start getting cold? I just wish I can be put into a deep deep sleep and pray that all this was just a bad nightmare; and when I wake 4 months later, things would be much better than before. I don't want to feel this pain. I don't want to have to suffer and cry myself to sleep every night. Where possible, I'd rather avoid this.
But, at the same time, this is a rather selfish act; and unfair to him. I know I have to be there for him, support him in this, and most importantly, be strong for him. But how am I supposed to do this when I'm in this state? How am I to be strong when I am crumbling? How am I to be there for him when he needs me most when I need him during that same time? How am I supposed to support him when I'm still finding that strength to keep myself strong?
There are so many questions flooding me now. Uncertainty is starting to overwhelm me. I need reassurance. I need some consolation. I need somewhere to seek refuge during this long journey. I am not the confident person I wish I was in such situations. Most importantly, I need answers! I hate being left in the balance. I hate not knowing. I hate not being in control. I especially hate uncertainty. Bottomline: I hate my life right now!
posted by Rebecca at 12:02:00 am
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