被爱是幸福，爱人是痛苦

The past three weeks have been the best weeks of my life. It felt good to love and be loved in return. But things were not as simple as they looked. There was one big big factor - which was present even before the whole thing started - that complicated everything and led to what it is today. In fact, this whole three weeks should not have taken place at all, but emotions got the better of us and we let things progress. My level of thinking may surpass that of my age but when it comes to matters of the heart, it is the heart that takes over and when that happens, your thinking gets clouded, you get blinded, but you get the best feelings you can ever ask for and wished it never stopped. All the little things you do together, all the conversations you had together, all the time you spend in silent embrace... Basically all the time you spend together... It was and always will be the best things you will take with you.

But all that ended last night. But like I said, it should not have even started to begin with. Anyhow, the feeling sucks. I would not consider it a break up because we were not even an item to begin with. But the fact that we did what most couples did makes this even harder. It really is so close and yet so far. At this point, you may be hurt but I'm not sure if you are able to comprehend the kind of hurt I'm going through. You still have someone, who has no idea of what has happened, there for you, loving you, someone whom you can cuddle and just lay your head on her shoulder. I really want it to be me but I know it is just an ideal. When I closed the gate last night, it was like putting the past behind me and moving on. Turning back would mean wanting to go back, something which I would trade everything for but I know it is impossible.

But honestly speaking, it did not sink in last night. It was only after I read your blog entry and sent you the email and reading your reply that I was brought back down to reality. It sank in right away and the intensity of pain just went beyond unbearable. I just could not contain it inside me anymore. I had to let it out. But to who? There is no doubt that tears flowed and are still flowing. I may be a very strong person but when it comes to anything to do with my heart, I am most vulnerable, so please do not ever break my heart again. But there will come a point in time when I have no more tears to shed and I guess it is then that I would have truely moved on - cried it out, picked up the pieces and moved on. There are many things which I wished I could do with you but all that will just be a mere memory locked up in a memory chest somewhere in my head and put away, only to be taken out when you pop up at times in my life.

I will not distant myself from you. I will still be the same person. The only thing that will be different is I will no longer be the one who will shower you with the love you crave for. The level will be very different. Things may not be the same as before, but whatever it is, I will always be here for you. Will I be waiting? Well the answer is rather simple. Find me a guy better than you or get married (engagement does not count and it is not impossible to end up marrying the person you love most. If you marry out of responsibility, please do think about it very carefully. I am not saying this as a jealous lover but as a friend. It is not easy maintaing a relationship without love because ultimately one day, you will be sick and tired of everything to the extent that you just want to end everything. So please make a wise decision when the time comes.) and I will no longer wait.
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