What The Hell!!!!

The past week has been one hell of a week... Good and Bad at the same time... Fun and shit all in one week... LOL... Very tiring because I had to run all over Singapore to get my stuff for the pageant... On Friday I was suddenly related to the entire RSN... Ok Ok... Thats exaggerating it... LOL... But you get the idea... LOL... Then the next day, my South African trip was cancelled... And the next day, I became a celeb (for a few minutes...LOL... cheap thrill la... LOL...) and an actress for the rest of the night (alpha alpha, x-ray yankee had better not find out about this)...Hahaz... I guess by now you must be wanting to know what happened during the past week huh... LOL...

Lets start with Friday... LOL... The start was no big deal... The only thing was I went to run in the morning, then went to school, then went for tuition and then rushed home to get changed to go to clubbing at Butterfactory with JC, Bert, Ed, Ray and their 'Never-Always-Volunteer-Yourself' friends... So we went partying and after that decided to have supper... LOL... Had Bak Kut Teh... LOL... That was when everything started... LOL... Jackie - one of the gals - Thought that JC and I were an item... So basically, she asked JC, “A JC, 你的女朋友不要吃啊？” He then replied, "A 她不是我的女朋友！她是Bert的女朋友ok!" LOL... Of course Bert(now known as bf) played along too... And that was not all... When we were half way through supper, Jackie started asking me how I got to know the guys... And JC (who will be referred to as Ex from now on), being his usual crappy self, said that I was Ed's sister... And Ed said that Ray was his 表弟... That means Ray would be my 表哥... LOL... And then the whole family was slowly born... LOL... It was really hilarious... LOL...

Then Saturday came... One day before I was supposed to fly off... I was baking cookies in the afternoon for JC and Bert when I got a call from the pageant office saying that I won't be going to South Africa because sponsor cocked up... Like WTF la... 3 months of preparations just went down the drain like that!!! Haiz... Oh well... Shit happens... So anywayz, after the cookies were baked, I met Bert at J8 to pass it to him... So we talked and all that and then Tham-per met up wif us to go watch soccer at Mr Bean cafe... Kor came after his appointment wif his frens... We stayed there till bout 2plus (I think) before we went home... So that was Saturday...

Sunday... Had to wake up for mass... Woke up late so had to go for 11am mass... Then after that I got a call from JC and BF... Both complaining about aches and pains sustained from soccer... LOL... Well that evening, we all met up and went to Mike-Charlie... LOL... One hell of a night... LOL... Some things are better left unsaid... LOL... So that was Sunday... LOL...

So ya... That was the crazy weekend I had... Hahaz...

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I guess this song really describes what I see in someone right now... Listen to the lyrics...

被爱是幸福，爱人是痛苦

The past three weeks have been the best weeks of my life. It felt good to love and be loved in return. But things were not as simple as they looked. There was one big big factor - which was present even before the whole thing started - that complicated everything and led to what it is today. In fact, this whole three weeks should not have taken place at all, but emotions got the better of us and we let things progress. My level of thinking may surpass that of my age but when it comes to matters of the heart, it is the heart that takes over and when that happens, your thinking gets clouded, you get blinded, but you get the best feelings you can ever ask for and wished it never stopped. All the little things you do together, all the conversations you had together, all the time you spend in silent embrace... Basically all the time you spend together... It was and always will be the best things you will take with you.

But all that ended last night. But like I said, it should not have even started to begin with. Anyhow, the feeling sucks. I would not consider it a break up because we were not even an item to begin with. But the fact that we did what most couples did makes this even harder. It really is so close and yet so far. At this point, you may be hurt but I'm not sure if you are able to comprehend the kind of hurt I'm going through. You still have someone, who has no idea of what has happened, there for you, loving you, someone whom you can cuddle and just lay your head on her shoulder. I really want it to be me but I know it is just an ideal. When I closed the gate last night, it was like putting the past behind me and moving on. Turning back would mean wanting to go back, something which I would trade everything for but I know it is impossible.

But honestly speaking, it did not sink in last night. It was only after I read your blog entry and sent you the email and reading your reply that I was brought back down to reality. It sank in right away and the intensity of pain just went beyond unbearable. I just could not contain it inside me anymore. I had to let it out. But to who? There is no doubt that tears flowed and are still flowing. I may be a very strong person but when it comes to anything to do with my heart, I am most vulnerable, so please do not ever break my heart again. But there will come a point in time when I have no more tears to shed and I guess it is then that I would have truely moved on - cried it out, picked up the pieces and moved on. There are many things which I wished I could do with you but all that will just be a mere memory locked up in a memory chest somewhere in my head and put away, only to be taken out when you pop up at times in my life.

I will not distant myself from you. I will still be the same person. The only thing that will be different is I will no longer be the one who will shower you with the love you crave for. The level will be very different. Things may not be the same as before, but whatever it is, I will always be here for you. Will I be waiting? Well the answer is rather simple. Find me a guy better than you or get married (engagement does not count and it is not impossible to end up marrying the person you love most. If you marry out of responsibility, please do think about it very carefully. I am not saying this as a jealous lover but as a friend. It is not easy maintaing a relationship without love because ultimately one day, you will be sick and tired of everything to the extent that you just want to end everything. So please make a wise decision when the time comes.) and I will no longer wait.
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How can I not love you?

Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our heart must know

Cannot dream, cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must be go on
Must not say what we've know all along

How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you,
Here in my arms?
How does one waltz away,
From all of the memories?
How do I not miss you,
When you are gone?

Love...

Love... A very small but powerful word... It can change people, situations, things etc... But what really is love? How do you know whether you're in love? Is it all about butterflies in your tummy? Is it only about giving and taking? Is it only about saying 'I love you'... Can you love 2 people at once? Is that called love? I don't know... Sigh...

I'm sitting in front of my laptop now, filled with mixed feelings... Sigh... I really don't know what to do... Sigh... Should I pluck the petals of flowers, like in the movies? Or should I just leave things to fate? Or should I just keep loving him, even though I know it's so so wrong? Or should I just surpress all my feelings and just carry on as friends? I don't know... ARGH!!!! I hate this feeling...

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'Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.' - 1 Corinthians 13:1-8